Building Trust & Respect Through Non-Defensiveness
“Great teams do not hold back with one another. They admit their mistakes, their weaknesses, and their concerns without fear of reprisal.” – Patrick Lencioni
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Feeling defensive is human. Defensiveness is how we survived as a species. It’s a manifestation of a fear response that takes place in our amygdala – a small, almond-shaped region in the brain that detects and responds to threats by feeling fear and triggering your “fight, flight, or freeze” instincts.
In one research project, subjects were hooked up to electrodes monitoring their brain functions and put into a virtual reality situation in which they were walking down a dark alley at night with the sound of footsteps approaching them from behind. At that moment, their amygdala experienced a whole lot of extra activity and blood flow. Then here’s the crazy part: The researchers took the subjects out of the virtual reality environment but left the sensors on their heads and said to them, “You know, I have some feedback for you about how you handled that experiment…” And guess what? Their amygdala did the same exact thing – extra blood flow to the “fear center.” In the first microseconds (literally, .02 seconds), your amygdala cannot differentiate between physical dangers, such as someone approaching you in a dark alley, and social dangers, such as someone saying, “I have some feedback for you.” You can’t even help it – it’s automatic.
Yes, feedback. The big “F” word. When you know someone is about to give you corrective or critical feedback, your brain will likely experience a fear response. It happens first at an automatic and unconscious level, so we are rarely aware of it. And how does our fear response then show up behaviorally?
Defensiveness.
When there’s a threat to our self-esteem, self-concept, or social status; when rejection or unfairness is possible; when we know we’re about to be told something about us that isn’t positive, our amygdala freaks out, and we go into defense mode. It’s all due to our survival-oriented monkey brains.
And that’s a big workplace culture paradox: to keep feedback channels of communication open with our colleagues, bosses, and employees (especially with our employees), we need to receive feedback non-defensively. Yet, as we know, feeling defensive is human, and we can’t help but feel this way when people give us feedback.
So, what do we do? We can work against evolution and practice specific mindsets and behaviors that will allow us to show up non-defensively.
Why Receiving Feedback Non-Defensively Matters
Dogs, dolphins, and humans repeat behaviors they’re rewarded for, and they tend to cease repeating behaviors they’re punished for. And since these three species make up most of our audience, listen up here! This is important.
If someone comes to you with a piece of corrective feedback (such as “I don’t like the way you run meetings,” or “I don’t agree with that decision”), and you punish them by showing defensiveness, they won’t want to touch that hot stove again, so you’ll stop hearing the truth. And the more often you show up in this way, the more unapproachable you become. And – bottom line – unapproachable managers are ineffective, as you can well imagine. You will have insulated yourself from opportunities to grow, develop, and become more effective.
However, if you instead practice the art of showing up non-defensively to feedback, you will keep critical channels of communication open. You may not like receiving feedback, but you absolutely want people to speak to you honestly and openly. (At least we sure hope so.)
As a manager, spouse, partner, parent, or friend, the message of non-defensiveness and openness is what builds trust and respect and what allows you to hear the truth. And that’s how you grow. Now imagine if you worked in a culture where this was the norm. Wouldn’t that be worth striving for?
The Art of Showing Up Non-Defensively
Ok, so you get it. Showing up non-defensively matters if you hope to build trust, respect, and psychological safety in the workplace and your life. So, how do you accomplish this?
Let’s start with the internal mindset.
When someone is about to give you feedback, remember to practice these three helpful attitudes:
Differentiation (receive it like you would a gift). Get some distance – some separation – between you and the feedback. It’s just information. Receive it the way you receive a gift: you don’t have to keep it, right? But you don’t shove it away and refuse to open it, do you? You at least receive it, open it, consider what you’re going to do with it, and then make a choice about it. The good news is it’s your choice! That’s how feedback works. Feedback doesn’t define you, just like you’re not obligated to keep that ugly sweater your Aunt Betsy sent you. This mindset can help combat your initial reaction of defensiveness by creating safety and distance between you and the person who worked up the nerve to give you feedback. And this mindset is coupled with the practice of…
Curiosity and openness. If you only practice the differentiation mindset, you might fall into the trap of rejecting all the helpful feedback that comes your way. Add the attitude of curiosity, and actually be open to the possibility that the other person may have valuable information for you. And you know what’s cool? It’s almost impossible to be defensive and curious at the same time. Curiosity is the desire to seek a deeper understanding, and defensiveness is the urge to push away the uncomfortable. The two don’t coexist well.
Self-Compassion. There’s a lot to say about self-compassion, so we encourage you to check out our blog post on the topic. The bottom line: self-compassion is the practice of experiencing a potential setback fully (i.e., this tough feedback you’re receiving right now) from a place of grace and mercy, remembering it doesn’t define you and that you’re able to grow from this experience.
Now let’s move on to the external behaviors.
By practicing the above attitudes and mindsets, you can actually start feeling less defensive. But you can’t wait until you feel non-defensive to show up non-defensively. Fake it til’ you make it, baby. You have to practice specific behaviors that allow you to come across non-defensively because, again, you will feel defensive – and showing that defensiveness can damage the trust and respect between you and your employees and loved ones.
Listen. Meaning, shut up for a moment and look like you’re listening because this is where defensiveness usually first shows up – right there in the first seconds. “Wait, that’s not true!” “You don’t understand the context.” “But, you asked me to do it that way!” “Let me explain.” No. Shut it. Listen, and listen really well. We’re talking eye contact, attentive and open body language, all the works. When you start pushing back before the other person feels heard, you look defensive. Try out our best-practice listening skills we discuss in this blog post and on our podcast.
Ask questions. And there are three good reasons to do so:
When you ask questions, you get more information. If someone tells you that you’re not showing up well during meetings, ask them more about that. “Tell me more…” Seek clarity to wrap your head around it so you can figure out what to do with it.
Asking questions demonstrates that you’re open and receptive – the exact opposite of defensiveness.
Asking questions buys you some time, which is helpful because, as you’ll soon see, you’ll need to make a choice. Asking questions creates more of a dialogue as you figure out where to land.
An “I get it” statement. This is anything that demonstrates you hear the other person, such as, “Yeah, that makes sense,” “I get what you’re saying,” or “If I understand you correctly, this is what you’re saying…” All of these are “I get it statements,” and notice they are not the same as agreeing with the feedback. You can show that you understand without agreeing. The point is to make this feedback channel feel safe for the other person, whether the feedback is correct or not.
The choice point. Alright, so you listened really well, and they felt heard. Now you must decide on what to do with this feedback. Here are your three options:
Agree. If you can find anything to agree with at all, that’s a terrific option, even if it’s just some of the feedback. “You know what, you’re right. I can see now that I interrupt too much. I’ll work on that.” And remember: If you practice genuinely being open to this feedback, you may learn something useful.
Disagree. Believe it or not, you can disagree with feedback without being defensive. But if you do land here, you can see why it’s so important that you did all the above behaviors first. People who feel truly heard and respected will be less likely to take your disagreement as defensiveness. Also – make sure you disagree gracefully, not aggressively. “I respect what you’re saying. I see it differently.”
Stay neutral. It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “That’s really good feedback. Thank you. Let me process that for a while.” You don’t actually have to decide right there in the moment. (Of course, if it’s your boss letting you know she needs you to start being on time, “let me think about that for a while” might not be the best option.)
Thank them. Remember, we repeat behavior we get rewarded for, and a “thank you” is just that - a reward. You may not like negative feedback (who does?), but you absolutely want your employees to experience you as safe. No matter your choice point, you can thank them for the feedback because they respected and trusted you enough to take the risk. And when an entire workgroup respects each other enough to take risks, and it’s safe to do so, performance soars.
Of course, creating a culture of effective feedback takes everyone agreeing on and practicing the same positive behaviors, and receiving feedback is only one-half of the equation. You have to know how to dish it out, too. Check out this podcast episode (#7) on the art of giving feedback that works, and see this blog post here.
As with all these skills, this takes practice. And practice means messing up…usually a lot. Stick with it, put in the work, be kind to yourself, make adjustments as you learn, and this stuff will start to sink in. (If you want more on receiving feedback, we have a podcast episode (#6) on that, too.)
What do you think about our take on receiving feedback non-defensively? Anything you would add, remove, or adjust? What has worked well for you? We’d love to hear what you think, so give us a shout at contact@nashconsulting.com. We do our best to respond to everyone.