Steps for Receiving Feedback Non-Defensively (Even When You Feel Defensive)
Manager moment! (Although this applies to all professions and sentient homo sapiens, TBH.)
How many of you have heard: “As a manager, you DEFINITELY need to receive feedback non-defensively.”
Good advice, for all the obvious reasons.
People-leaders (AKA those with a power differential) have an outsized impact on engagement, morale, and whether ideas and feedback flow freely. And if the people you manage (AKA those you have a power differential over) notice that it’s not safe to give you critical feedback…well…bad news bears.
Agreed?
We notice that although this advice is ubiquitous, there’s often a gap between the idea and the practice.
Specifically: How do I receive feedback non-defensively… when I feel very defensive?
Quick brain science side trip.
If you’re a human with a human brain, critical feedback tends to trigger defensiveness, at least initially. Tough feedback about us activates the amygdala, which kicks off our fight-or-flight instinct.
In other words, our brains immediately code hard feedback about who we are as a safety threat, and we move into self-protection mode, And BAM! We feel defensive.
Bottom line: feeling defensive is normal. Good news: if you feel defensive when receiving tough feedback, nothing is wrong with you. It’s the product of millions of years of evolution.
Here are a few simple steps to focus on when I’m receiving hard feedback to help me show up non-defensively, no matter how defensive I may feel…
So someone starts giving you hard feedback. You can feel your amygdala waking up like Smaug in The Hobbit (metaphorically speaking, of course). And you remember this LinkedIn post. So you…
Step 1: Listen.
Open body language. Nod. And the literal shutting of your mouth.
This is where defensiveness often shows up first - interrupting, explaining, or looking closed off before the other person has had a chance to be heard.
Step 2: Thank them.
It doesn’t need to be an Emmy-style acceptance speech. Just a simple acknowledgment and reward for having the courage to give you feedback.
(By the way, you can do all of this while still feeling very defensive. That’s an adult social skill called self-control.)
Step 3: Ask questions.
They’ve finished talking. Now ask a few questions designed to communicate: “I’m curious.” “I want to understand.” “I want to learn more.”
No accusatory questions (“When did I ever do that?!”). Think questions like: “I want to wrap my head around this - would you mind giving me an example or two?”
Step 4: The “I get it” statement.
After exercising some curiosity (whether real or manufactured - it honestly doesn’t matter), say some version of: “I understand where you’re coming from.”
This is not the same thing as agreeing. It’s simply showing that you heard them.
You might even paraphrase their concern, restating their feedback as well as, or better than, how they gave it to you.
When you’ve accomplished Steps 1–4, there’s a good chance the person now feels safe in that moment. You’ve already rewarded them for approaching you with feedback.
And now, whether you ultimately agree or disagree with the feedback, the result is likely the same: You’ve reinforced that it’s safe, good, and appreciated to speak up.
So here’s the punchline:
We can feel defensive (which is largely outside our control) and still show up non-defensively (which is largely within our control).