STEPS:

1. Listen
        ·   Don't talk. (really!)
        ·   Look like you’re listening
        ·   This is the time to avoid the three D's - don't deny, deflect, or defend.

2. Ask questions - for two reasons:

· Clarity and understanding
· To show the other person that you truly want to "get it" - that you're truly listening.
3. The conversation - lots of choices:

· Own none

· Own some
· Own all of the content

· Don't commit either way (I’ll think about what you said.”)

4. Thank them

Giving Feedback

PRINCIPLE: Each step is designed to reduce the other person’s defensiveness

STEPS:

1. Ask permission

2. Be aware of time (give yourself plenty) & place (private!)

3. No appointments (don’t make them wait.)

4. Conversation:

Don't INSTEAD

· Use anger, force, rudeness, etc.

· Talk in generalities (“You don’t treat me well.”)

·

Talk about character (“You’re rude”) & what’s

in their head (“You think you’re special”)

· Say “always” or “never”

· Bring in the opinions of “others”

· Use notes & email

· Be too quick or wait too long

Do

· Stay connected relationally

· Be specific

· Talk about behaviors & the impact

those behaviors have on you

· Say “sometimes” or “often”

· Speak for yourself

· Talk person to person

· Be “moderately” immediate